my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize