i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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