I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
