he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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