1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
