never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
