your room smells of hookers.
And success
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
