I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
