i barfeds in our rink
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
