he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
