apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
