dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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