If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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