I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize