i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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