I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
