its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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