I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
