Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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