I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
