Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
