you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize