shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
