My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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