Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
