Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
