Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
