Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
