this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
