Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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