I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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