I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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