You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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