Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
