My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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