Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
