I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
