I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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