nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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