Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
