chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
