Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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