hell yes lets make some ravioli
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
