someone threw a dead crab at me
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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