Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
