This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
