On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
