the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You smell like stripper and shame
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
