you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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