People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
