why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
