You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
