Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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