I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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