if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
