OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
