this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
