you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
