i think my tv is drunk
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
