Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
